Wedding Invitation Etiquette - Outdated or Not?

Does the bride or groom name come first on an invitation? Is it appropriate to spell out the times or to use numerals? 

As a wedding invitation designer, I often get questions from my clients about proper wedding invitation wording!

The truth is - there is rarely one right answer. 

So if you’ve worried about committing a faux pas on your wedding invitations - read on for my hot takes on wedding invitation etiquette, and why in certain cases you should use whatever wording feels right to YOU! 

Wedding Invitation Etiquette #1 - BRIDE AND GROOM NAME ORDER

The Tradition 

Tradition dictates that the bride’s name should precede the groom’s name on a wedding invitation. Therefore, the proper wedding invitation wording is “Lisa & Matthew” and not “Matthew & Lisa.”

The reason behind this etiquette stems from the tradition of the bride’s family covering most of the bill for the wedding. To acknowledge this responsibility, wedding invitations would pay honor to the bride’s family by listing the bride’s name before the groom - and likewise, the bride’s parents are listed before the groom’s parents as wedding hosts. 

Why is this tradition outdated? 

Well - with financial responsibilities no longer defined by traditional norms, the “bride before groom” wedding invitation etiquette has simply become irrelevant! Your families may be splitting the costs evenly for the wedding - or perhaps you and your fiancé are footing the bill yourselves. Unless you are a true believer in upholding traditions, the way you choose to pay for your wedding does not need to be reflected in the order of your names. 

What to do instead?

As a wedding invitation designer, I often suggest to my couples that we simply order the names according to whatever works best with the layout of your wedding invitations. Sometimes names that begin with letters such as J or Y, which have long descenders, take up more space and need to be considered in the context of your invitation design.

In other cases, it’s good to consider what order your names simply sound best in. For example - if you are interested in a wedding monogram using the first letters of your names “Bernice” and “James” - I would recommend listing the groom’s name first, as to use the monogram “JB” rather than “BJ”. 

In general, your wedding invitations should reflect who YOU are; and the order of names is a somewhat outdated etiquette that can be easily reinvented to suit you and your fiancé’s needs.

Wedding Invitation Etiquette #2 - INVITATION DATE AND TIME

The Tradition

Wedding invitation etiquette dictates that the formal way to write the date & time on wedding invitations is to write out all numbers in full, followed by “o’clock” and “in the evening,” or “in the afternoon.”

Why is this tradition outdated? 

Nowadays, formality can be communicated by more than just the way you write out the date and time on wedding invitations. The type of paper used, the colors, the print methods, and the overall style of your wedding invitations come together to indicate the formality of your event. 

Not to mention - if you really are worried about your guests understanding the formality of your wedding, you can always state the dress code directly on your invitations - which is recommended!

What to do instead?

As a wedding invitation designer, I typically propose ceremony wording to my couples that best fits with their wedding style. 

• Short, succinct ceremony times using actual numerals (such as: 4:00 PM) can work better for modern weddings - especially if you and your partner have a minimalist, clean style

• Longer ceremony times (such as: four o’clock in the evening) might cue a more traditional, romantic style - and might be a good fit if your wedding involves more classic motifs and traditions

• For weddings whose guest lists contain international travelers - you can even consider using military time (16:00) rather than traditional American times on your invitations. This can help make your wedding schedule more understandable for your guests, and show them the courtesy of “speaking” their language!

Overall, there is no “right” way to write the date and time on wedding invitations. No need to stray away from certain wording for fear that it is too casual or too formal - at the end of the day, it’s all up to you to decide what will be less confusing for your guests, and what will better capture the vibe of your wedding day!

Wedding Invitation Etiquette #3 - Mail-In RSVPs

The Tradition

You may be aware that traditional wedding invitations usually come with a reply card (often called an RSVP card) and pre-stamped envelope. This enables your guests to physically fill out their RSVP card and mail it back to you, so that you can receive confirmation from your guests on whether they will be attending your event (and whether they have any dietary preferences!) 

Why is this tradition outdated?

Traditionally, mail-in RSVPs were the obvious choice for couples to best track their guest list. However - now that we have the Internet - it’s quite common for couples to do their RSVPs online! 

What should you choose?

Online RSVPs come with a few pros, including:

• Less work for you as a couple. You won’t have to be in charge of collecting mail and tallying responses - all that work will be done for you automatically via your wedding website

• Lower risk of delayed or lost responses. No more USPS delays or misplaced mail! This is a big benefit, considering that you are usually collecting RSVPs in the final weeks before your wedding; so you’ll want to save yourself as much time and trouble as possible when it comes to tracking down responses from your guests

However - there are reasons you may consider keeping the tradition of mail-in RSVPs.  After all, everyone knows how to use the mail. If you have guests who aren’t very tech-savvy; a physical RSVP might be the best way to go.

Either way - don’t hesitate to choose what makes the most sense for your guest list!

Wedding Invitation Etiquette #4 - INVITATION WORDING

The Tradition

Tradition indicates the proper way to word wedding invitations is to use “request the honor of your presence” for ceremonies taking place in a house of worship. (Note that tradition also indicates that the word “honour” should be spelled with -our as to be  in line with traditional British diction, which is considered more elegant and formal.)

The phrase “request the pleasure of your company” is for wedding ceremonies taking place at a non-religious location; for example, a restaurant, banquet hall, or house. 

Why is this tradition outdated?

This tradition is not outdated, so much as you simply have the freedom to choose how much weight to place in this tradition. Your faith shouldn’t preclude you from using certain wording on your wedding invitations. 

That is to say - if you like the wording of “request the honor of your presence” simply because it feels elegant and refined - then it is my humble opinion as a wedding invitation designer that you should be able to use the phrase. :)

What are alternate options?

If neither of those wording options sound good to you - there’s a plethora of alternatives! A few other phrases that can be used on your wedding invitations:

• Please join us to celebrate

• You are joyfully invited

• Invite you to celebrate

• Request your presence

My advice to couples is always to choose whatever wording feels aligned with the level of formality and personality in your wedding. For a couple throwing a tropical adventure bash, we might go with “You are joyfully invited.” For a black tie ceremony taking place in a basilica, we might go with “Request the honor of your presence.” 

At the end of the day - it’s all about choosing the phrase that feels best to you!

Cheers,